I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
