You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
