I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
