Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
