I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
