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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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