my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
