My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My ass is underappreciated
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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