Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just want to make out with him forever
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
