dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
