I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
