why im i the only drunk person in the library?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
