mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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