Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
