so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Randomize
