i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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