i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
