can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
