im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i was born a porn star she said
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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