I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
