My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
