I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
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