Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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