Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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