I think im going to throw up on grandma
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
