She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
