i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
