end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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