I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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