Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
