I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
