so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
