you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
