Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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