On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
