I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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