at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
