I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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