I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
