Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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