Plan B is the new Plan A
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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