I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
