what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
