OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
