I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
