Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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