I molested 6 butterflies tonight
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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