Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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