Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
