hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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