I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
