and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Four minutes until I can fart!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
