I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
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