i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Sorry my hands just texted you
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
