i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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